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Future Tech: 

8 Xbox achievements that really aren’t an achievement

We hope it was worth it. Now hang your head in shame. Yes, yes, we know it's a PlayStation pad, SHUT UP.

We hope it was worth it. Now hang your head in shame. Yes, yes, we know it’s a PlayStation pad, SHUT UP.

The Xbox 360 launched in 2005, and along with an underwhelming launch line up where somehow a King Kong film tie-in was amongst the highlights, it brought a quirky new idea with it: achievements.

Overlooking the fact that if you have to call something an achievement, it probably isn’t going to be up there with say, winning a Nobel Peace Prize or running 50 marathons, these are points awarded for doing unusual things in games – completing them, sure, but also for killing 100 enemies, or jumping off the highest point in the game.

It turns out that some game developers really need to look up the definition of the word achievement though…

Easy Achievement 1: The Simpsons Game – Easiest Achievement Ever

You can always count on The Simpsons to subvert the system, and the game was no different, giving players a taster 5G for pressing start.

An achievement so easy just about everyone can get it, right? Well, maybe not everyone.

Easy Achievement 2: Minecraft – Get Wood

Minecraft is a game about building things. Pretty much everything you need in the world starts off by having wood in your inventory.

Nonetheless, this exciting moment is rewarded by the familiar ‘plunk’ of the achievement notification.

Feel proud of yourself, champ? Let’s just check your inventory to make sure you definitely picked up that precious building material…

Oh for goodness sake.

Easy Achievement 3: Dark Souls 2 – This is Dark Souls

So Dark Souls is a game where death matters. You’ll die a lot, and perhaps so as not to put off everyone who gives it a go, the achievement both rewards the first death and tells you that you can expect a lot more of this.

(Excuse the Playstation clip – the Trophy will have to do)

Dying in the Dark Souls series is easy to do. Possibly even easier than pushing ‘Start’ in The Simpsons. Pretty cruel though, stamping gamers’ profiles with a sign that they’ve started. Some won’t be able to sleep until they’ve got the remaining 990G, which are a touch harder.

Easy Achievement 4: Eat Lead: The Return of Matt Hazard – Where Credit’s Due

What? You don’t remember the first Matt Hazard. Don’t worry, you won’t need to have played through the first to keep up with the second’s highly cerebral storyline.

Anyway, as well as following The Simpson’s lead and giving you points for pressing Start (good thing you honed those skills elsewhere), Matt Hazard ups the ante by making you press Start an unbelievable second time, gifting you an additional 5 points for pausing the game.

Still, the real prize comes from taking a longer break. If you spend four minutes and 34 seconds (or around 0.00001 percent of the average American lifespan) watching the credits for this artistic triumph of gaming culture will net you a stunningly generous 60 points. And yes, you can do this from the main menu: no need to work your way through the rest of the game.

Unfortunately, we can’t find a video of the credits rolling, so here’s the closing credits to DuckTales The Movie: Treasure of the Lost Lamp instead. It’s exactly the same length, by a weird coincidence.

Now that we’ve put the DuckTales music in your head, here’s something a little different:

Easy Achievement 5: LEGO Star Wars – Crowd Pleaser

You’ve sat through over four minutes of credits. You probably need cheering up.

Let’s go and break the Jar Jar Binks LEGO figurine 20 times. That always raises a smile:

Easy Achievement 6: Deadpool – The first one’s free…

Sometimes, games like to break the fourth wall and Deadpool does it in style with not one but two quickfire achievements:

The achievements that follow are considerably less free. Talk about lulling everyone into a false sense of security. Still, there’s one game which really sets the tone from the very first to the last, just four achievements and two minutes later…

Easy Achievement 7: Avatar Burning Earth – The whole damned game

A short history lesson. Avatar was an early title, back when nobody really knew what achievements were, and they were just another thing for tired overworked developers to tick off a list when trying to get their poor-mediocre film tie-ins done.

That’s why the whole 1000G of Avatar can be unlocked by hammering the B button for two minutes. No really:

“Yeah, that’ll do.”

Still, in the long run, this programming laziness would do the game a huge favor. Not only is it still remembered, eight years after its released, but pre-owned copies go for upwards of $20 on eBay, because people just want the easy 1000g. And have no shame.*

Easy Achievement 8: Far Cry 4 – Crab Rangoon Ending

Still, for the terminally lazy, hammering a button for two minutes might sound too much like hard work. “Isn’t there something for completing the game while I can kick back and read a book for 15 minutes or something,” the remarkably specific figment of our imagination whines.

We’re glad you asked…

Basically, at the start of Far Cry 4, the baddy asks you to sit down while he runs some errands, after which he’ll reach a deal with you and all will be well. Obviously you’re supposed to make your escape at this point, but if you don’t you get a very different (and surprisingly happy) ending to the game in just 15 minutes flat. No need for all those pesky 20+ hours of shooting and exploration.

Okay, it’s a Ubisoft UPlay Action, which is the impoverished cousin of achievements and trophies, but how else can you complete the entire game in 15 minutes flat and catch up on your reading?

*For my own part, a friend of mine once gave me a copy for my birthday. I pointedly unlocked 3/5 of the achievements in a minute and then equally pointedly decided the game wasn’t my bag, and traded it in. I like to think anyone looking at my profile will be genuinely bamboozled.

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