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How to stop the zombie apocalypse
Please don’t panic, but it appears that a Zombie invasion is a real fear, at least according to the United States Department of Defense.
We’re all doomed!
Looks that way. The Pentagon has a plan in order to ‘preserve the sanctity of human life’ among all the ‘non-zombie humans’, otherwise known as simply ‘humans’. The plans emerged from an unclassified document called ‘CONOP 8888’, which was obtained by Foreign Policy magazine.
According to the magazine, the walking dead survival plan is a how-to guide for “military planners trying to isolate the threat from a menu of the undead – from chicken zombies to vegetarian zombies and even ‘evil magic zombies’ – and destroy them”.
Yep… chicken zombies.
According to the document, the “worst case threat scenario” is lots of zombies eating lots of people at rapid rate (you don’t say). The vegetarian zombies are low on the “Zombie Threat Summary” as they only eat plant life, where as evil magic zombies are of course “created via some form of occult experimentation”. And chicken zombies actually exist, the result of euthanized hens being buried, waking up and clawing their way to the surface. Space zombies are also mentioned.
A fool-proof plan
So what is the actual strategy? To “dominate”, “stabalize” and, finally, “restore civil authority”. If that doesn’t fill you with confidence, the Huffington Post also provides some top tips. T3 has also compiled a list of the technology you’ll need to do battle with a zombie hoard.
CONOP 8888, otherwise known as “Counter-Zombie Dominance” and dated April 30, 2011, is said by the military authors to actually be a clever ploy to stop hysteria, as the document notes: “Planners … realized that training examples for plans must accommodate the political fallout that occurs if the general public mistakenly believes that a fictional training scenario is actually a real plan… we elected to use a completely-impossible scenario that could never be mistaken for a real plan.“