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10 Amazon Products With Beautifully Sarcastic Reviews

For all the ease of online shopping, you can never really be certain of what you’re buying until the courier drops your package through the letterbox. Reading customer reviews on Amazon is a great way to give yourself a piece of mind, but not only are reviewers anonymous, they’re also prone to indulging in extreme sarcasm. Thanks guys, really helpful.

Long gone are the days when Amazon was just a bookseller, it now sells just about anything you could possibly dream of. As you’ll see, this variety has led to Amazon shoppers applying a creative license to the website’s reviews section.

1. Kitchen Craft Banana Slicer

Amazon products with hilarious reviews Much like the electric kettle and the microwave oven, kitchens were never the same again after the Banana Slicer hit the Amazon store in March 2010. As one reviewer points out, “ruler, laser marker, micrometer, stud detector and cheesewire are now all things of the past,” and with almost half of users awarding the full five star rating, it’s fair to say that praise for this essential utensil has been overwhelming.

Number of reviews: 91

Average rating: 3.6 stars

Best quote:I found the banana slices that this gadget produces to be a little thick. But I will let you into the secret of my remedy for this: Simply take a kitchen knife and trim a little off each slice. The beauty of this, is that you can then get the slices to the exact size you want.

2. How to Avoid Huge Ships, by Captain John W. Trimmer

How to Avoid Huge Ships

Captain John W. Trimmer must have known he was on to something when writing the seminal text, How To Avoid Huge Ships, but even the great man himself couldn’t have predicted the book’s popularity. Commenters rushed to Amazon to thank Trimmer for his advice on avoiding these everyday hazards, while sharing their tragic tales of life at sea. If only Trimmer had written his opus earlier…

Number of reviews: 86

Average rating: 3.8 stars

Best quote: “On finding about the existence of this book I immediately set off to purchase it. I, and my family, have been plagued by issues and tragedy from Huge Ship related incidents and I thought this would, finally, bring them to an end. Unfortunately as I approached the only local bookshop that had not sold out of this essential tome the shop was destroyed by a huge ship

3. BiC Cristal ballpoint pen “for her”

amazon product review In the product description, BiC makes sure to mention that its Cristal ballpoint pen is designed “with a slimmer barrel designed to fit comfortably in women’s hands.” Typically, Amazon’s reviewers reacted brilliantly.

Number of reviews: 108

Average rating: 3.5 stars

Best quote:Brilliant – I love these pens! How about a laptop next? It took me 4 hours to write this review as I had to keep running back and forth between each key on my MASSIVE MAN KEYBOARD because I’m a tiny woman.

4. Horse Head Mask (Brown)

Amazon review horse headDespite a large number of positive reviews for this exquisite horse head mask, it was also panned by a number of critics who described its extremely potent latex aroma. Amazon customers also noted how the horse’s hair was falling out on arrival and the head was delivered without holes in the eyes, forcing them to cut into the mask themselves with a pair of scissors. Honestly, there’s just no pleasing some people.

Number of reviews: 208

Average rating: 4 stars

Best Quote:Out of all the rubber horse heads that I’ve owned, this has to be one of the best. When accompanied with my wooden horse hoof shoes, I can canter around the kitchen and garden and feel like a real horse, with all my bits flapping in the breeze.

5. Badonkadonk Land Cruiser / Tank

amazon review tank

What’s more surprising? The fact that you can buy a tank on Amazon for just short of $20,000? Or the fact that said tank’s owners make a point of advertising its stereo system and “cozy, carpeted interior.”

Number of reviews: 389

Average rating: 3.5 stars.

Best quote: I’ll admit it. Shopping for a personal tank can be a bit daunting. Many times in the past I’ve purchased overpriced, so-called “battle tanks”, then driven them into battle only to be wrecked in ten minutes by the first blow off of some insurgents home-made morter. But not this baby, no way. This tank R-O-C-K-S!

6. Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable

denon amazon review

This 1.5 meter cable from Denon has since been discontinued, but during its heyday it was priced at a whopping $10,000. At the very least you’d expect this would be a guarantee of quality, but as one reviewer complained: “Transmission of music data at rates faster than the speed of light seemed convenient, until I realized I was hearing the music before I actually wanted to play it”

Number of reviews: 605

Average rating: 3.5 stars.

Best quote: Works just like my $9 cable but makes me feel $9990 more smug.”

7. Party Rats Finger Lights (5-pack)

party rats amazon review

Writers! Ever been up late working to a deadline when the power goes out? Your laptop has just enough battery to see you through, but there’s one problem – you can’t see what you’re typing. Fear not my fellow wordsmiths, just make sure you’re stocked with an emergency five-pack of Party Rats. As stated on Amazon, Party Rats are indeed “ideal for night blogging” – in fact, we’re writing this very article from a dark cupboard, just because we can.

Number of reviews: 17

Average rating: 3.4 stars

Best Quote: “Although these rats are cute they are useless if you don’t have fingers. DO NOT BUY THEM IF YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FINGERS!”

8. The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee

amazon review Perhaps the most viral Amazon product ever, this mythical T-shirt captured the imagination of Amazon reviewers, inspiring poetry, music videos and inarguable mathematical logic (see below).

Number of reviews: 2,934

Average rating: 4.5 stars

Best Quote: “Most shirts like this only contain one wolf. This shirt has three wolves, plus a moon. You are basically getting three wolves and a moon for the price of one wolf. You won’t find that deal anywhere else.”

9. Tuscan Milk, 1 Gallon

amazon-review-tuscan-mi

What do you mean you don’t order your milk on Amazon? At the unbeatable price of just $75 a gallon too, it’s no surprise that shoppers are flocking online to taste Tuscan’s milky goodness. “Has anyone else tried pouring this stuff over dry cereal?” writes reviewer J. Fitzsimmons, “A-W-E-S-O-M-E!”

Number of reviews: 1,697

Average rating: 3.9 stars

Best Quote: “This was by far the freshest milk I have ever tasted. It still had that ‘new milk smell’. I poured some in strategic spots in my house and car, so I can enjoy the smell for weeks to come.”

10. Radioactive Uranium Ore Sample

Amazon review-uranium ore Last but not least, it’s the surprising revelation that you can buy Uranium Ore on Amazon at $40 a tub. The listing states the sample is useful for testing Geiger counters and “performing nuclear experiments” – needless to say, reviewers took to Amazon to share their findings. “Magic stuff,” writes one reviewer, “Been taking 1 spoon a day for 3 weeks. I can now type this review using all 12 fingers.”

Number of reviews: 1,156

Average rating: 3.8 stars

Best Quote: “I purchased this along with 4 turtles and a rat. 18 years worth of karate lessons later, I finally feel safe to leave my house at night.

Images: Amazon

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