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They Did What?: 

NoPhone is your low-tech security blanket

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Feel totally lost without your smartphone? And sometimes with it if you can’t get a decent GPS signal, we’d bet. But for people who want to cut down on their smartphone addiction but fear the first steps, the answer may be coming soon by way of the ever entertaining Kickstarter website – and it’s as simple as it is stupid.

Introducing the NoPhone. Like the newly released iPhone 6, it fits comfortably in the palm of your hands. Unlike the newly released iPhone 6, it can’t make calls, send texts, surf the web, take photographs, download apps or make your friends envious. But its battery life is far superior and it’s impressively waterproof unlike its expensive rival.

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It’s a faintly ergonomic chunk of plastic, in the shape of almost every smartphone every made, which should make for some hilariously backfiring street-thefts, should the project reach its $30,000 target. At the time of writing 299 people have stumped up a total of $5,421.

We’re especially fond of the tech-fetishist terms with which the designers describe the new must-have (?) device: “With a thin, light and completely wireless design, the NoPhone acts as a surrogate to any smart mobile device, enabling you to always have a rectangle of smooth, cold plastic to clutch without forgoing any potential engagement with your direct environment. Never again experience the unsettling feeling of flesh on flesh when closing your hand.”

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For those without enough lumps of useless plastic in their life, a backing of just $12 will get you one of your own to make your own smartphone jealous. They’ll even chuck in an instruction manual, just in case you secretly suspect it does more than it seems (it doesn’t).

But for our money, the real value comes when you pay an extra $6, and you get the ‘Selfie Version’ of the handset:

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That’s the same handset with a reflective mirror sticker for you to attach, so you’re never short of seeing what your duck-faced-selfie visage would look like if you were holding a real, functioning smartphone, rather than a piece of plastic reassuringly sculpted to feel like a smartphone.

You can back the project now through the Kickstarter website, if you really must, but seriously don’t you have something more useful to spend your money on?

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